February in the Philippines means two things – the high probability of celebrating Chinese New Year (which we did on February 5th) and an entire month filled with pink and red hearts, sappy love songs, and promises of romance. While I’m all for the feeling of being loved up, the sad reality is that we live in an age where working on a relationship to work and moving on to the next best thing has become so convenient.
But of course, there are a lot of relationships out there that have worked themselves out and lasted, more out of commitment than compliance, so if this is something that you want for your own relationship, here are 10 secrets to create loving, happy unions that will stand the test of time.
People change and they change every day.
Our experiences change our views and our views change our behavior, and many people in relationships have known their significant other for a while, they don’t see how they’ve changed since they met. Sometimes, the realization comes too late. Couples who want to make sure their relationship lasts make it a point to make sure they look at their spouse with fresh eyes, always excited to get to know the new person in front of them. This can give you a little more understanding of what is going through the other person’s mind when they do the things that they do. Where there is more understanding, there are less reasons to get upset, and being able to fully understand someone is a valuable tool in any relationship.
They are realistic and understand that people make mistakes.
Admit it – we can be very hard on the people we love. Even the most aware person can fall into social traps and hurt someone they love. No one’s perfect, and we all make mistakes – some can be more hurtful than others – but at the end of the day, it’s up to the couple to love each other enough to sit down and unpack what happened, and their feelings around it. When mistakes happen, acknowledge what feelings come up, but once the hurt, anger, and/or sorrow has passed, take a hard look at the situation and figure out the benefit of holing onto all of that versus the price you pay in the relationship for doing so.
They never, ever cheat on their spouses.
If you want to torpedo your relationship and destroy your significant other, go ahead and cheat. Personally, this is the most devastating thing you could ever do to another human being. It is akin to plunging a knife in the heart of your best friend. Don’t do it. This level of betrayal turns years of trust and love into rubble and ash, and although not impossible, returning to the same quality of relationship will be quite the uphill battle, needing forgiveness and compassion from the scorned party.
They allow each other to disagree.
Even in the best relationships, you and your loved one may not agree on everything. Hopefully, you do agree on the important issues. If not, you do have to come to some agreement on them in order to continue. Understand that when you disagree with something, it is destructive to keep harping on it and trying to get the other to agree with you. It is best at that point to “agree to disagree” and allow your spouse to keep his or her viewpoint. If you love each other, you already have many, many things in common. Take up points of agreement and shelve or park the rest.
Point out the great things about their spouse.
After the honeymoon stage of any relationship, you may start to see only the things about your significant other that you’d want to change. Happy couples instead, seek out the things they love about each other, and really make a big deal of it. One of the best love languages to go about this is words of affirmation, and not just affirming them in private, but making a grand gesture by affirming, nay, bragging about how great they are to other people as well. If they talk in glowing terms about their spouse, I can bet that they talk about others in glowing terms as well.
They listen to each other.
Disagreements are stressful for any relationship, but they’re a fact of life and getting into one doesn’t mean the end of the world for you and your loved one. If your partner is seriously upset, and it is something they’ve been trying to get you to handle, then by all means, please handle it. Pick up your socks or take the dog out for a walk if it’s an issue. Handle any repeating problem so that it doesn’t cause anymore resentment. Living together is tough and courtesy is important.
Acknowledge that the person is upset. It can be as easy as saying, “You know what, I can see that you are really upset about this.” Then listen to what they are trying to tell you. Don’t engage with them or make them feel wrong for being upset, listen and see if you can help them handle the problem. You would be amazed at how fast a situation or potential fight can be defused just by acknowledging their feelings and being willing to try and help the person handle it.
They go out of their way to do nice things for each other.
It takes so little to make someone happy. Stopping by the store and getting their favorite ice cream or buying a bouquet of flowers for them when you visit Tagaytay is so appreciated and so easy. Being knowledgeable of your significant other’s receiving love language helps a lot, too. Have conversations around what makes them the happiest – words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, acts of service, or physical touch – and be mindful enough to shower them with all five, but especially their favorite, as often as possible.
They stay in communication.
One of the most important things you can do to keep any relationship strong is communication. Most often arguments start because there has been some form of miscommunication, and coming in with that sense of awareness, as well as being fully aware that there are many decisions going into the relationship that you’d want to make as a team, working on being honest about your feelings and expressing them in a healthy way will definitely help to keep it going strong. Communication is the back bone of any relationship, romantic or otherwise, and more communication is always better.
They protect and stand up for each other.
Even the most perfect marriage with two very loving partners can be torn apart by open or underhanded attacks on one spouse to the other. A stereotypical example is the meddling relative who takes the husband aside and tears down his wife behind her back. It could also be coming from another person who has a romantic interest in one or the other spouse.
Attacks may not always be outright and overt. Most of the time they are barbed and critical comments delivered as a means to “help” or “educate” the person under attack. It undermines the validity and intelligence of the victim to those around him or her and erodes their self confidence and self respect. It is a cowardly and underhanded form of bullying. It takes courage to stand up to this type of abuse but if you don’t, you will lose your spouse and your self respect.
They each live their own lives.
I have definitely had my share of needy relationships where I think I’m getting an equal partner but end up mommy-ing them instead. While some people might actually like that kind of set up, I have never seen happy people in that type of situation. While it may seem flattering at first, sooner or later you feel suffocated by the neediness of your partner and that’s usually the start of the end. The strongest relationships I know are built on mutual respect and space, with each partner having time with other friends and pursuing different interests.